This has got to be the worse timing for me to feel this way being that is November and all and I should be thankful for all that I have. Not everyone can be as fortunate as I am to be where I am and have what I have today. Yet for some reason I can't help but to be honest with myself and jot down how I'm feeling. Afterall this is why I blog, to chronical my married life. The good, the bad, the adventures, and frustrations.
So on this cold and late night in November, as I rock my 22 months old to sleep, I have a few confessions to record.
1. I feel like I've wasted the last eight years of my life. I'm still struggling to finish my nursing degree which at this point I can't even consider it a nursing degree since I've yet to be accepted to the nursing program.
2. I'm scared. Although I try to stay positive I can't help but to worry about the possibility of not making the cut to the nursing program. Acceptance letters go out in June 2015 which is still 7+ months away and everyday as I see my struggle to be a FT working mother of 2 and housewife I fear that all the sacrifices I am making to balance it all will be for nothing.
3. I was nuts to think that going back to school while still working 40 hrs a week and having to take care of the demands of a family wasn't going to be too hard.
4. I cry at least once a week because I feel like I can't handle it all, like there's something I fail at regardless of how hard I work. It's so hard!
5. I feel like I'm being selfish because I chose to want to further my education. I'm missing out on time with my boys and even though I know is for a better future I still feel guilty because I will never gain back these years.
6. Sometimes I want to take a personal day from work and not tell my husband or mother so that I'm not asked what's for dinner? Or can you pick up Steven at school today? Does that make me a bad person?
7. I'm guilty of letting my husband crash on the couch so that he keeps me company while I make lunches and clean the kitchen. I don't care if he's snoring away as long as he's in the other room, it makes me feel a little better.
8. There's been several occasions where I've walked in my bedroom to find my husband and two kids sound as sleep in my comfy bed and I have turned right around to my son's room and have crashed on his bed because I've been too tired to carry them back to their rooms. Call it lazy if you must, I call it being smart. I get my own bed at least for one night and I don't have to wake up for middle of the night cries.
9. I'm thisclose on calling it quits on the workforce for a little while. Enough said. Do you blame me?
10. Even with all my frustration in this journey I have to pat myself on the back for maintaining an A average in both of my classes. I'm determine to achieve my highest goals no matter the struggles. I just have to understand that there'll be times when I'll feel like it'll never end or get better and when those times come I have to remember that I'm closer today than I was yesterday.
Happy Hump Day!
