I don't think I've ever felt as guilty as I did almost three weekend ago for going away without my children. 

Nothing could ever compare to the guilt I feel for not being home with them everyday day of the week like I should but the difference between that and the guilt I felt that weekend is that the working mom guilt is out of my control. I would like to give my sons as much as I can possible can and give them stability while at the same time keeping my own identity and in order to do that I need to work. Plain and simple.

Let me explain better. With my boys being so far apart is like starting over for  me. I lack experience in dealing with tantrums, especially in public. Steven is at the age where he questions everything that he is told to do and AJ, well AJ is pretty much entering the terrible twos. He wants to do everything his brother does and be everywhere that he's at. And when he doesn't get his way, oh dear Lord, can he test your patience. Is frustrating! On both behave I am sure. 

Well that weekend we had plans to go visit friends and family in NYC. I knew Steven would be bored because there wouldn't be kids his age for him to play with so we decided to leave him at his grandmothers, he always has a good time there and almost always will chose to stay behind and hang out with his uncle rather then going with us places. 

AJ in the other hand. We had plans to take him and at the last minute we decided to leave him as well. Mainly because I believed that there would only be our friends' newborn baby there but also because I could almost foresee what AJ behavior would be like. So I chose the easy way out. Shame on me. I left him behind and that decision has been tearing me apart. How dare I leave my child behind so that an outing can be more convenient for us and less of a hassle. 

While driving to the big city I justified myself for my decision by saying that visiting these friends was few of the many opportunities we got to spend time alone since we're always pretty much doing things as a family and hardly as a couple. Also with their newborn baby I wanted to be able to really enjoy her and not be running after my 19 months old. Then while there I couldn't think of anything else then of how much I missed my boys. I wanted to blink my eyes and have them be there with us even if Steven would be on the iPad which would of for sure kill the battery and then he would be asking for our phones. And even if Adrian would not want to sit still and would not like me holding the baby. I didn't care about tantrums happening or Steven questioning I just wanted my babies with me.

It's been a little over two weeks now and the guilt has subsided. Thank God. But I learned a lesson, being a mother is way more gratifying then having convenience.  Duh! I'm not the only one, the first, nor last. Kids will be kids and their behavior does not make me a bad mother or less of a mother. Right?

Vent over. Back to making sure AJ is not trying to climb the stairs going after his big brother. 

Monday comes and we're getting some last minute shopping done. You know the norm, school shoes and some pencils and notebooks. Let me just say that we were nuts to wait till the day before school to get this done, yet is in my nature to wait till the last minute. The shoes were not an issue, school supplies however was a different story. Finally we found half the things we were looking for and headed home to get ready for the next day. 

I honestly didn't know who was more nervous, Steven or I. The first day of school was always so exciting for me as a kid yet my son could care less. Is that a boy thing? I remember the days leading up to the start of the new school year and my mom would take us shopping, get us new backpacks, under garments, clothing, shoes, etc. I would organize all my school supplies in my new backpack, take showers the night before, and be in bed super early anticipating what the next day would be like. I remember one specific time when I was going to the seventh grade and I went to bed at 8pm, I happened to wake up at 11pm that night for whatever reason and headed to the kitchen where my mom was at and asked her what was for breakfast. I remember her saying something along the lines "what's the matter with you? Why are you asking for breakfast this late at night?" I thought it was morning already and since she was up and the lights were on I guess I never noticed that darkness outside. That night was the longest night ever. 

My son in the other hand acted like any other day except that he complained about the earlier bedtime. That didn't last long. The next day my alarm went off and I hit the snooze button. A few minutes later Steven walks in and says mom is time for school. I was surprised yet half asleep still and told him to go wash his face and brush his teeth that I'll be right up to help him get dress. I must have dozed off and next thing I know he was back in my room all dressed up and ready to go. Umm ok, I guess I should really get up now I though and did so. I asked him what he wanted for breakfast and he said egg in a whole, his favorite. Easy enough. I fixed him breakfast and fed AJ cereal while I sipped on my coffee. Soon he was done and even before we walked out the door he had already dirty his shirt. This is definitely a boy thing right? lol. I changed he's shirt and we headed out. While we drive away Steven tells me that he doesn't feel good. He says his stomach hurts. I figured he's just nervous. I wait a couple of minutes and ask if he's feeling better. He replies "mom I'm serious my belly hurts, please don't talk to me so I can feel better". Oh dear I am laughing so hard as I write this just thinking about it. 

We arrive at school, park, and walk about a block to get to the entrance. As we get closer and closer my poor kid looks like he's about to pass out. He definitely gets that mom his momma. I don't do so well when walking into a room full of people which I've never met and without being sure if there'll  be anyone there that I'll recognize. 

I took a couple of pictures of my sweet boy and walked him to the door. Unlike last year, the parents weren't able to walk their children to the classroom which kind of sucked. I like to meet the teachers and introduce myself. But whatever no biggie. Steven walked in and I saw him talking to the principal who was the vice principal last year. I'm sure that after seeing a familiar face he started to feel much better. 

The day seemed to have flown by while I was home with AJ. I did some cleaning and lots of thinking about the future and what it had waiting for me, for us. Thinking about how I really cannot be a SAHM full time. Thinking about possibly having another child in the next couple of years. So many things ran through my mind today! 

Soon it was time to pick Steven up from school and what do you know my child did not pass out. He did very well and even confessed that he was really nervous this morning because he thought that third grade was going to be really hard but that the teacher taught them new math problems and he got it right, "because I'm smart mom". He made a few new friends and has a friend from last year and from first grade in his class. He gave me the 411 on his teacher who will be getting married soon, the vice principal getting promoted to principal, third graders having to eat lunch last, and he emphasized how he did not dirty his white shirt. That was an issue last year, kid stained so many shirts it was ridiculous. 

I've never really given the first day of school a full post but today, today was different. Today I saw a different side of my boy. Today I realized how fast both of my kids are growing. Today I confessed to the hubby that I wanted another baby within the next couple of years. Today was the day I made some decisions about the future. 

I went back and forth thinking what I would want and I remember saying I rather live the moment even if I won't remember it. That was back 10+ years ago, when I didn't quite understand the true purpose of a photograph. 

After this eventful summer and realizing the lack of pictures I've collected to remember it all I've changed my mind. A picture is worth a thousand words. A photograph tells a story even years down the road when that story have been forgotten, or rather stored way back in your loss memories. 

When I was in California last month, I decided to go through my cell and remove some pictures to make room for new ones. I usually store my pictures in shutterfly because I get great deals on photo books and prints. I went ahead and separated the pictures into albums and as I looked back at all the pictures I've gathered since 2007 it hit me. A picture is worth a thousand words. Why haven't I been snapping away the past six months like I normally do? The happiness I felt from looking back at old pictures and seeing how much my 8 year old have changed over the years was priceless.  

In 2013 I collected over 5,000 pictures and this year so far I don't come nearly as close. What happened to me? All the memories from this summer that I've only stored in my mind is bound to end up in the lost memories bucket eventually and here I am allowing that to happen. Thinking ahead into the future I want to be the old lady that has boxes upon boxes filled with pictures of her youth and growing family. I want to be able to share them with my children future wives and their children. 

I never got the chance to sit with my grandmother and ask her about her youth or how her marriage to my grandfather was. I never got the chance to ask her to tell me about my father and how he was when he was a kid and as my age. What she remembered most about her life, if she had any regrets, did she ever thought she would have 13 kids? How did raising 13 children affect her and changed her? So many question and now I'll never know. That makes my heart feel so hurt. It makes me angry that I allowed the distance to come between the relationship I could of had with this special and admirable woman. I see this as  a lesson to be learned from. I want my 50+ year old self to make it a priority to build great relationships with her grandchildren. I'm glad to have realized now the importance of a photograph. Now is a even more as important for me to snap away at every opportunity. To have stories to tell and show at my old age. 

Life is so precious. There's so much to do and look forward too. I want to enjoy every second of my life and take nothing for granted. I know it won't always be easy but life is what we make of it.