Forgiveness

A little over a week ago I read a post about forgiveness and it got me thinking. This person, Kaitlyn, wrote about how she struggles with forgiving others. I want to talk about how forgiveness has played a very important role in my life the past two years. I saw a lot of similarities between us in this post of her. You see,  I'm the type of gal that can't get over things so easily when someone hurts me. I know is not right but I can hold grudges for a very long time and at some point even after I've said that I've "forgiven" that person I still resent them for hurting me. Kaitlyn said something that touched me.

"The only one still being hurt by not choosing to let go of something, is me". 
 

This has some true to my life in the present day. I'm so caught up in a particular situation that I had to deal with that no matter how hard I try I just can't get over and my heart aches from all the disappointments I had to deal with. And what hurts even more is that the persons involve walk around life like nothing ever happened and it makes me wonder do they even regret what they did? Was I ever truly important enough in their life for them to feel guilty for their wrongdoing? Do they think about me at all, how I felt? How I still feel? Because honestly it doesn't look like they even care. So I tell myself not to stress it. That I'm over it and that I have forgiven them but deep down I know that's not true because even though its been two years since the incident it's still affecting my life, therefore no I'm not completely over it and no I haven't truly forgiven. 

The worse part for me is that even thought I was hurt beyond anyone's imagination I miss this girl. Sad but true. I miss her and I wish she would show a little bit of remorse so that I can at least believe she's really sorry and maybe so that it is easier to let go of the horrendous past. However from what I see this person is living her life like I was never a part of it and I'm the only ones who's not able to forgive and move on. 

So I did something that I never thought I'd do and I'm glad I did because now I can truly say I have forgiven and I'm moving on. I took the initiative and contacted this person myself. I invited her out for lunch and although it was awkward the air was cleared. I told her how I felt and how much I waited for her to take the initiate to proof to me that she valued our friendship even if that friendship was no more. What I found out was more than pleasing (and maybe wrong for me as a "Christian" to feel) to know that not everything is what it seems to be. Although this person walked around like she was the happiest person she had gone through hell and back just like me and just like I thought she had forgotten about me she thought the same way I did about her.

As humans we pretend to have everything under control. We pretend not to be affected by someone's betrayal. We pretend to forgive when deep inside we are being crushed by the pain. When it only takes a leap of faith and putting pride to the side to make it all go away. 

Today I can say that I've truly forgiven and it has been easier to move on even when my thoughts get out of control. This person and I will never be like we used to be but I am certain that if we were to see each other I wouldn't want to jump on her hahaha just kidding. Seriously though, I can see us never hanging out again but I can also be sure of there being no tension if we were to be at the same place/event. I agree with Kaitlyn that true forgiveness is being able to forgive and move on not letting it bother you any further.

Some people are brought into our lives as a blessing or to teach us a lesson. It took 10 years of "sincere" friendship but this no-longer friendship taught me how to forgive from the heart. This is something I never thought I say. Especially from this incident. God works in mysterious ways but always with a purpose.