The end is near

I never knew how much I would enjoy breastfeeding like I do now. Even with Steven Jr. I liked it. But I wasn't able to experience it as long as I did now. And now, now I can truly say I love it! AJ and I have created such a tight bond with each other. 

I feel blessed and fortunate that I was able to breastfeed AJ this long. I know many don't get the opportunity to fulfill this want for several reasons. And although I would love to continue exclusively breastfeeding him till one I have to be realistic and not let myself become selfish and deprive him of the nourishment that he needs. I have been optimistic hoping that I would be able to bounce back up and increase my supply. Even if its only by 2 more ounces. Unfortunately, that road looks very dark. I have tried it all. From fenugreek, mother's milk tea, brewer's yeast, flex seed oil, lactation cookies, over pumping, increasing my food and drink intake, power feeding/pumping. I've done it all and nothing (At least nothing until two weeks later, thank you Jesus).  

Just a couple of weeks ago I was only able to pump between 1.5-2.5 ounces at each pumping session. Which gives me  just about a 6oz bottle daily. Not bad. I use that bottle to leave it for my mom to use for bedtime feeding. Problem is that AJ still wakes up once overnight. He keeps switching up on me, that kid. And when he wakes up he needs milk and I am not meeting his demand. So what do I do? I can't starve my kid. 

Not to mention my freezer stash is gone. About 2 months ago I lost it all. The freezer door was left open and the 100 ounces I had there was unfrozen and warm. Definitely not good (we also lost our meat and seafood but that was beside the case for me). Ever since then I've been holding on to a thin thread with leaving enough milk for my baby when I'm at work. It's been working. But it's also been getting harder and harder. Especially because I've been working more days closer together. Three weeks back was the downfall. I worked three days in a row, one off, one one, one off, one on, three off. That definitely had me on the verge. I cried at every pumping session because stuffing my mouth with cookies and tea and pills had not been working. Well if anything at least it kept my supply steady at 2 ounces instead of dropping more so I'm thankful for that. 

At the end of it all however I had a decision to make. And it all comes down to supplementing. I'm staying positive about it and keeping in mind that I will continue to mainly breastfeed is making things easier. I only need the formula for night feedings when I'm away but I will continue to pump at work and home and feed throughout the day everyday. So that's not too bad. 

How AJ will feel about that is another story. 

What about if he enjoys the fast flow of formula in a bottle more and refuses my breast milk? Or what if he doesn't want anything to do with the formula at all? 

Freaking out now. 

Again I'm staying optimistic that maybe using formula will buy me a little bit of time to get my supply to increase and the pressure won't be as high because my baby is still meeting his daily intake. And because I'm pumping a 6oz bottle over night/a day I can probably use that and split in in half to mix with the formula so that he's still getting most of his milk intake from my breast milk. 

Does that make sense or am I just in denial mode? 

By no means am I put down formula or mothers who formula feed. Bottom line is that this is personal choice and we mothers decide what will work best for us and what will benefit our babies and to me breastfeeding is my preferred method of feeding my child. 

The way he depends on me to provide for him. The way he caress my face, sort of like thanking me. The way he kicks his little feet or brings it close to my face so that I can tickle him with my nose. The way he has made a game out of putting his fingers in my mouth for me to bite gently, then he giggles and pulls it out then does it again. How he fits perfectly into my arms and we spend hundreds of seconds just staring at each other. Noticing every feature. Every imperfection. These are the things I will miss most when the end comes. I pray to God that I don't forget these moments. I will treasure them to the best of my ability. And for now I will just have to cherish the last few days. Or weeks. hopefully months. Because either way the end was almost near.