I don't think I've ever felt as guilty as I did almost three weekend ago for going away without my children.
Nothing could ever compare to the guilt I feel for not being home with them everyday day of the week like I should but the difference between that and the guilt I felt that weekend is that the working mom guilt is out of my control. I would like to give my sons as much as I can possible can and give them stability while at the same time keeping my own identity and in order to do that I need to work. Plain and simple.
Let me explain better. With my boys being so far apart is like starting over for me. I lack experience in dealing with tantrums, especially in public. Steven is at the age where he questions everything that he is told to do and AJ, well AJ is pretty much entering the terrible twos. He wants to do everything his brother does and be everywhere that he's at. And when he doesn't get his way, oh dear Lord, can he test your patience. Is frustrating! On both behave I am sure.
Well that weekend we had plans to go visit friends and family in NYC. I knew Steven would be bored because there wouldn't be kids his age for him to play with so we decided to leave him at his grandmothers, he always has a good time there and almost always will chose to stay behind and hang out with his uncle rather then going with us places.
AJ in the other hand. We had plans to take him and at the last minute we decided to leave him as well. Mainly because I believed that there would only be our friends' newborn baby there but also because I could almost foresee what AJ behavior would be like. So I chose the easy way out. Shame on me. I left him behind and that decision has been tearing me apart. How dare I leave my child behind so that an outing can be more convenient for us and less of a hassle.
While driving to the big city I justified myself for my decision by saying that visiting these friends was few of the many opportunities we got to spend time alone since we're always pretty much doing things as a family and hardly as a couple. Also with their newborn baby I wanted to be able to really enjoy her and not be running after my 19 months old. Then while there I couldn't think of anything else then of how much I missed my boys. I wanted to blink my eyes and have them be there with us even if Steven would be on the iPad which would of for sure kill the battery and then he would be asking for our phones. And even if Adrian would not want to sit still and would not like me holding the baby. I didn't care about tantrums happening or Steven questioning I just wanted my babies with me.
It's been a little over two weeks now and the guilt has subsided. Thank God. But I learned a lesson, being a mother is way more gratifying then having convenience. Duh! I'm not the only one, the first, nor last. Kids will be kids and their behavior does not make me a bad mother or less of a mother. Right?
Vent over. Back to making sure AJ is not trying to climb the stairs going after his big brother.
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