Is that time of year again. The time to interview my firstborn and start a new year of memories in his album. I started this tradition back when he was 5 years old. About 4 months into his 5th birthday after seeing this neat idea on Pinterest. I didn't post his 6 y/o questions here but its in his album. I can't believe we've been doing this 3 years now. I sure hope his album holds 2+ more years of pictures. This is going to be so much fun to look at when he's in his teens hehehe.

For weeks I've debated on talking about this and other things in public. I say public because it's obvious that anyone can have access to this blog and can get a glimpse of what's happening in my life whether I want that particular person to know or not. As much as I love writing and keeping a blog with personal details it sometimes scares me to realize that I'm putting my life out there. Basically for the world to judge. But is it right to live in fear and not do what makes you happy? No. It's not right. Yet sometimes in life right is not always the best way to live. 

Many times before I've spoken about my schooling. My dream at obtaining a BSN in nursing and possibly even a Masters to become a NP. The problem with my goals is that I'm not a young single girl that lives home with her mom anymore or rooms in with a friend. I'm a grown married woman with kids, a husband, and bills now and that makes my dream so much more difficult to make a reality. It is certainly not impossible and I know with hard work and dedication I will succeed. But I need to think of my family and put them first. I need to do what is right for all of us. I realize that school will always be there. There are plenty of people that go back to school later in life and are totally fine with it. Problem with that is that I'm not in that "plenty of people" percentage. I want my career now! And every year it takes to get here it gets harder and harder. Closer. But harder. 

So that you understand better and so that I make sense of what I am trying to say now let me explain a bit better. 

In my college career I can proudly said I've been a pretty good student with As and Bs grades. Until 2011 that is. The past 2 years haven't been the greatest. I've passed my classes but not with the grades I had hope I did. Especially that chemistry. Oh chemistry if you only knew how much I really dislike you. I took this class 3x (lets not get further into it shall we). The last time I was thisclose on passing it with a high B, instead I ended up with a high C which was still passing but unfortunately for me it wasn't the grade my beloved DSU was looking for. So why would this have me devastated? Because I was thisclose on starting the nursing program this fall until reality hit and all my dreams and hopes were crushed in the blink of an eye 😢. Remember when I mentioned that I was a big procrastinator? Well that had some play in this too. But it was mostly that chemistry!

I know myself. I procrastinate but I know my capabilities. I know how far I can push myself and unfortunately I have pushed too far. 4 classes over the summer, a 7y/o and a 6mos old, a husband and a home to care for and then keeping myself sane was just a bit too much and I was hit with reality. Something had to give. I can't just get rid of my family and is not like I can avoid paying bills. So what do I do? I take a break from school. I have too. There's no other choice. It will only get harder and mentally I'm not prepared for it. I need to set a strong foundation at home and be happy and at peace with myself. 

How is my faith being tested? 

Well for a couple of years now I've been trying to live a more Christian life. Going to church more regularly, reading the bible, praying often, letting go of things in my life that wasn't worth having and doing and so on but everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong. Which keeps me wondering, what on earth is going on? Why is God doing this to me? I'm just trying to please him. I know that at times we may ignore his callings because we think we have it all figured out and he has to bring us to the very bottom so that we realize that we need him. However, everything I've been through this past couple of years is not Gods work. It can't be. My faith has got to be being tested. Don't you think? How far do I really trust him to let go and trust that he'll do what's right for me? 

I'm trying to stay positive. To see the good behind all of this. Not to lose focus in what's really important. My situation could be worse. 

As I have mention before I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason and there's a purpose for everything. And I believe that I'm been taught a lesson here. I'm still trying to figure out what that lesson is but for right now what I do know is that I need to do some soul searching. I need to focus on me. On my marriage. On my family. I need a stronger foundation because I will be needing that for what lies ahead. And that had brought me to the decision of taking a break from school. It could be a semester or two. I'm not sure how long but I do believe that I'll know when the time is right to go back. School will always be there but my kids will only be kids once and my husband and I will only be newlyweds for so long. 

I know that this phase of my life is meant to make me a stronger person, a better person. I see this as a completely new adventure. I'm kind of excited about it. I can already feel the air in my surroundings spreading further out and my eyes are seeing wonderful things about life that I wasn't able to see before because I was locked up in my own emotions, in my own "so called life". I need to experience the beauty of nature. I need to see what else is there to life. I need to do less thinking and less planning and more doing. I need to do things where I cannot procrastinate on. I need a vacation from my uptight and timid self and boy am I going to enjoy it to the fullest. Most importantly I need a new perspective on life and maintain my faith.

"The only one still being hurt by not choosing to let go of something, is me". 
 

This has some true to my life in the present day. I'm so caught up in a particular situation that I had to deal with that no matter how hard I try I just can't get over and my heart aches from all the disappointments I had to deal with. And what hurts even more is that the persons involve walk around life like nothing ever happened and it makes me wonder do they even regret what they did? Was I ever truly important enough in their life for them to feel guilty for their wrongdoing? Do they think about me at all, how I felt? How I still feel? Because honestly it doesn't look like they even care. So I tell myself not to stress it. That I'm over it and that I have forgiven them but deep down I know that's not true because even though its been two years since the incident it's still affecting my life, therefore no I'm not completely over it and no I haven't truly forgiven. 

The worse part for me is that even thought I was hurt beyond anyone's imagination I miss this girl. Sad but true. I miss her and I wish she would show a little bit of remorse so that I can at least believe she's really sorry and maybe so that it is easier to let go of the horrendous past. However from what I see this person is living her life like I was never a part of it and I'm the only ones who's not able to forgive and move on. 

So I did something that I never thought I'd do and I'm glad I did because now I can truly say I have forgiven and I'm moving on. I took the initiative and contacted this person myself. I invited her out for lunch and although it was awkward the air was cleared. I told her how I felt and how much I waited for her to take the initiate to proof to me that she valued our friendship even if that friendship was no more. What I found out was more than pleasing (and maybe wrong for me as a "Christian" to feel) to know that not everything is what it seems to be. Although this person walked around like she was the happiest person she had gone through hell and back just like me and just like I thought she had forgotten about me she thought the same way I did about her.

As humans we pretend to have everything under control. We pretend not to be affected by someone's betrayal. We pretend to forgive when deep inside we are being crushed by the pain. When it only takes a leap of faith and putting pride to the side to make it all go away. 

Today I can say that I've truly forgiven and it has been easier to move on even when my thoughts get out of control. This person and I will never be like we used to be but I am certain that if we were to see each other I wouldn't want to jump on her hahaha just kidding. Seriously though, I can see us never hanging out again but I can also be sure of there being no tension if we were to be at the same place/event. I agree with Kaitlyn that true forgiveness is being able to forgive and move on not letting it bother you any further.

Some people are brought into our lives as a blessing or to teach us a lesson. It took 10 years of "sincere" friendship but this no-longer friendship taught me how to forgive from the heart. This is something I never thought I say. Especially from this incident. God works in mysterious ways but always with a purpose.
 

So what's in my diaper bag? 

If you're a mother you would agree that this list is always changing, with the exception of must haves, at almost any giving point throughout your diaper bag journey. This post focuses mostly on items I have in my diaper bag now at 6 months and probably through to 9. So what are must haves? Lets get this list started. 

Must Haves

1. Diapers (in my case cloth diapers)

2. Wipes  

3. Rash ointment 

4. Extra onesies (at least 2)

5. Extra Outfit (at least 1) with socks & hat 

6. Bottles, milk, & water unless your breastfeeding. If you're breast feeding a nursing cover is a must!. 

7. Burping cloth

8. Blanket

9. Bibs (although I breastfeed this is a must for me)

10. Hand Sanitizer

11. Wet bag. This I use for dirty cloth diapers and any wet clothes we come across in our outings

12. Changing Pad

Optional

1. Shampoo, lotion, & wash cloths. I always have this in my bag for two reasons. 1) it's summer and I never know when the heat will require me to give him a cool bath and 2) some days we just don't make it home on time for bedtime routine. Usually because we're at the gmas house so I bathe him there. I have baby towels at both houses for this reason. And if worse comes to worse that extra blanket could became real handy ;) 

2. Bibs. This will depend on if you're breastfeeding or not and if you have a drooler. Bibs are small so I don't mind having at least 1 in my bag at all times. 

3. Nail clipper

4. Suction Bulb

5. Baby spoon and plate. Again you just never know when you'll need this so I rather be well prepare then not. 

6. Sun screen for the summer months

7. Toys & Books -any toy I choose to carry along will usually be in his car seat with him. That way I make sure to use it and I don't forget it places because is a permanent part of the car seat routine. Leaving behind a toy for me is like walking out the house without my keys. 

8. Baby book guide. I carry this in my bag because it has reference to the most commonly asked questions and because there I have a record of his vaccines and stats on his past doctor visits. 

9. Insurance and vaccine record. This is in case of an emergency happening while he's with a sitter. 

10. Sippy cup

11. Sling. You just never know when you'll need it. I just keep it handy around the house so that if I know I'm going out and might need this I'll quickly grab it and put it inside the bag but I try not to make it a must have because it can get bulky. 

12. Alcohol swabs, boogie wipes, band aids, lotion & tissue for me, comb/brush, etc -I keep this all in a small compartment in the front of my bag. 

13. Pacifier -as needed 

14. Teething pills, Sophie the giraffe, cold teether

15. Cereal, fruit/veggie, juice & water. This I usually put in the bag if I know I'll be out all day. 

My main focus when purchasing a diaper bag was divided compartments. I can honestly say that this was one of the last items I bought because I just couldn't find something I liked. Finally I found an Eddie Bauer at babys r us that was just what I was looking for. I didn't like the caca green color much and I did wish it was more spacious in the main compartment but I was already at 35 weeks and needed to get my bags ready so this was the lucky winner. I thought on  spending big bucks on something I really really loved but then I remembered getting multiples diapers bags the first time around and those darn bags not lasting more than three months so I decided to wait and see. This time I ended up with no extra bags and its been six months that my beloved bag has been in use and it still looks new. This was money well spent and I can't justify myself buying another bag for the heck of it. What I do suggest is starting early on searching for a diaper bag so that you end up with the colors and style you want and paying for something worth it. I say I got lucky with mine :)