Many times in life we come to a point where a certain decision must be made. We might not want to decide on it but deep down we know that we must. Even if we don't understand it, it just needs to be done and that's the way it is. 

There's a decision I have to make. And it'll probably be the first of many hard ones. I knew years ago that this had to be done but I was in denial and by the looks of it I still am. I kept holding on to hope and faith and years later there's simply no hope for change. And truthfully I don't understand why? I've done everything in my power to allow for change and nada. Clearly then, it's not me. It's not. That's life. Maybe, just maybe, this is not a path that I am meant to be on. I find that hard to believe and for years I've prayed for guidance which has made the matter even more difficult then it was back then. 

Still a decision must be made. Whether it's today, next month, or with the coming year. The problem is fear of the unknown. That fear has been taunting me and at the same time fear of the unknown keeps pushing me toward the decision that I don't want to make. Mainly because I desire peace of mind yet even  with that what guarantees me that making a decision will give bring me piece?                   

Why does life have to be so complicated? I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that I'm responsible for my own happiness. Coworkers don't care much and neither do strangers. Only I care whether or not I'm truly experiencing the happiness I deserve and sadly enough these days are a hit or miss. 

As I was digging in my drafts I found AJs 15 months update. I'm sure I had intended to publish it after gathering some pictures from over the months but I guess I never did and with the blogging break that came about this post was lost in between. Until now that is. I decided to read over it and add to it while erasing some things however after reading this I just couldn't. That was you at 15 months baby and I can't believe that in just 3 short months after so much changed and all you've learned. So bear with me friends and baby as this 18 months post turns into probably the longest post I've written. 

To distinguish what is from what month I'll be making some paragraphs into italic. That been said, if you're reading words in italic that's from my post at 15 months and if the words are regular font that's from 18th months. 

You are an amazing toddler Adrian. The perfect balance to your 7 going on 14 years old brother. You are so silly and have a great sense of humor.  Laughing from your belly can make a bad day disappear in a second. You're just a funny toddler. You take everything as a joke. Something as simple as hearing animal sounds or taking the cotton made bunny tails off the bunnies makes you laugh so much that it makes us laugh. You are also so ticklish. That's definitely a mama' inherited gene. I love how easy it is to make you laugh which then changes my entire attitude about the little things in life. 

You can walk much better now. Pretty much run from point A to point B. You go up the starts without fear. You haven't mastered going down yet but if you're on the third or fourth step you can easily get back down. You can bend over to pick up objects on the floor without shaking one bit. 

If I though you ran at 15 months I had no idea what a running toddler looked like. Now you can really run and not just that but you can do an actual jump, dance, and imitate our feet. 

You recognize what some objects are used for. Like a toothbrush and comb/hair brush. You know the difference of one being used for your mouth and the other for your hair. You can drink from an open cup as long as there's not a lot on liquid in it. Otherwise you start out good and end up with the liquid all over your self. You like talking on the phone and love the sound of a ringing FaceTime call. Anything shaped rectangular you use as a cell phone. I find that to be hilarious. You pretty much have your own conversation alone. 

Your latest obsession has been balls. And that my sweet boy deserves a post all on its own. 

Speech:

Your vocabulary has increase a lot. You can say a little over two dozen words and identify if it's an object or person. Some of the words/names include pollo, AJ, bye, hi, oh oh, ball, dog, puppy, mama, dada, hat, leche, peas as in please. Of course that when I would want to point them out  they don't come to mind at all. You can use them all so well when you are trying to communicate. You understands so much too. There have been times when we say thank you and you'll say "you're welcome" in your own gibberish that is but clear enough for us to understand what you are trying to say. You swear you are having a conversation with us at times. You'll call me, "mama". I'll say "yes AJ". Then you will gibberish away. It goes on and on for a while. So funny. You use pointing a lot to ask for what you want and don't want. 

One thing I do love is how well you understand English and Spanish so much. I can speak to you in either language and you respond to both without an issue. I hope we continue to make our native language a part of your learning. Is a great skill to have as an adult. 

Lately however I've been noticing that you are understanding more of the English language and are pulling away from the Spanish. I should really focus more on speaking Spanish to you and your bother. It's just so easy to speak English when that's the language that we use 90% of the time. 

You are so much more into books now. You go and pick the ones you want to read. Some of your favorites are animal books and texture books. You love to rub your fingers on the "hair" on the dog or the soft surface of a shoe and even the sticky part of jelly on a toast. 

You can shake your head no but don't quite say the word no just yet. No complaints here. When you don't want any more food or milk or anything else you push it away. 

Ha! That lasted long enough. Even before you reached the 18 months mark you started to use the word no. "No! no no no," has definitely been your most used word lately. 

You are also a climber buddy. You love to climb on top of things or people. You are always climbing on the couch trying to reach the light switch to switch it up and down. You try to climb on your crib go get out and get on the tip of your toes to reach the light switch when you don't want to go to bed. 

Yup this is still going on around here. 

Teething:

You have a total of 6 teeth now. And four molars. They  actually just erupted no more then two weeks ago. It was very frustrating for all of us. I couldn't figure out what was the matter with you. Why all the crying and bad nights. All I was able to tell was that your cry was that of being in pain which was a mystery because although it crossed my mind that you could be teething I just didn't see any red or swollen gums. One night after two hours of crying I decided to rub some oragel and surprise surprise. There they were, just making you as uncomfortable as possible. I felt the one that had already erupted and the other three where just very very swollen. In the verge of erupting at any given time. After the discovery of the source of your troubles it seemed like things have gotten better. You are sleeping much better now and went back to being the funny and mischievous AJ that we all know and love

Now at 18 months you started to teeth again and finally got two more teeth in the bottom with the last four canine teeth on their way as well. The top two canine are already out we're just waiting for the bottom two. This time around it wasn't as bad as with the  first molars, thank heaven. 

Eating: 
You are your brother's brother in this department. We've been blessed with two kids that are not picky at all when it comes to eating. You have tried pretty much everything and I can't even think of one thing you do not like. From veggies to fruits to green smoothies you love it all.  Some things you still find unpleasant to eat, like celery sticks but spread some peanut butter on it and that's a different story. This summer is going to be so much fun experimenting with lots of fruits. You've tried nuts and love peanut butter. Spaghetti and soup has got to be your favorites though. Bananas and tangerines are also faves in your book. Pancakes, eggs, and cereal with milk are your favorite for breakfast. You still cringe at the taste of meats but you deal with it most times. 

I spoke too soon. Is a phase I guess. You have your good and bad days. Lately I've just been going with the flow, I serve you whatever we're having for dinner and if you end up not eating it we simply make you something else that you like. Things at the top of your list right now are mac and cheese, pancakes, chicken nuggets, cereal with milk, my famous banana smoothie, rice and bean for sure. You could eat that for breakfast lunch and dinner if we gave it to you. You also love pasta and pizza, another mommy inherited thing :). Your least favorites are meats unless its chopped so small that you can hardly notice it or you won't eat it, eggs, and corn. You like most fruits and veggies it all depends what your tastebuds feel like on certain days that you get overly picky.  

Cloth Diapering: 
We're still at it baby boy. We've made it past the year already and I'm so proud of us! Many doubted we could do it. They said you wouldn't have it and that I would chicken out just weeks into it. Don't get me wrong, I almost did when you would get your explosive episodes multiple days in a row but thankfully I didn't and here we are. Fifteen months later here we are, still going at it. Stronger then ever. Kuddos to us!!! 

Yea I spoke too soon on this as well. Hahaha. After our trip to DR in May I thought about taking a break from cloth diapering. Mainly because of the wash. I was getting so fed up having to go down two flights of stairs to wash diapers especially later in the evening when I was tired of working all day, cooking, and cleaning the dishes. At nine o'clock the last thing I wanted was to wash diapers. I let simplicity get the best of me and two weeks before our Cali trip we started disposable diapers. I keep saying it's only for the summer and that soon I'll start up again. We'll see how that goes. 

Brotherly Love: You and your brother have such an amazing bond. I can't get enough of it and I'm sure I always talk about it when I get the chance. It's so much fun to see you too interact the way you do. He comes down to your level and play with your toys as well as bring you up to his and let you use his controllers so that you could pretend play with him. I say I have the best of both worlds by having a grade school child and a toddler. It can get hard at times to meet your independent needs but it's sure not impossible. 

This bond is just getting stronger and stronger over the months. You try to say his name but it sounds more like you are calling him "Ean". The first thing you do in the mornings is go to his room to see if he's up and if he's not you start to shout his name "Ean, Ean! (Insert some gibberish here) Ean!  Is the funniest thing. And vice versa if he's the first one up he'll come to you and "stare"at you till you wake up, I honestly think that he wakes you up purposely but I haven't caught him just yet. 

Eighteen months already my sweet baby. It doesn't feel long at all since we celebrated your first year of life and now here you are breezing through the second year. Slow it down a bit will you, we want to enjoy you being small a little longer.

 We love you sweet Adrian. 

I don't think I've ever felt as guilty as I did almost three weekend ago for going away without my children. 

Nothing could ever compare to the guilt I feel for not being home with them everyday day of the week like I should but the difference between that and the guilt I felt that weekend is that the working mom guilt is out of my control. I would like to give my sons as much as I can possible can and give them stability while at the same time keeping my own identity and in order to do that I need to work. Plain and simple.

Let me explain better. With my boys being so far apart is like starting over for  me. I lack experience in dealing with tantrums, especially in public. Steven is at the age where he questions everything that he is told to do and AJ, well AJ is pretty much entering the terrible twos. He wants to do everything his brother does and be everywhere that he's at. And when he doesn't get his way, oh dear Lord, can he test your patience. Is frustrating! On both behave I am sure. 

Well that weekend we had plans to go visit friends and family in NYC. I knew Steven would be bored because there wouldn't be kids his age for him to play with so we decided to leave him at his grandmothers, he always has a good time there and almost always will chose to stay behind and hang out with his uncle rather then going with us places. 

AJ in the other hand. We had plans to take him and at the last minute we decided to leave him as well. Mainly because I believed that there would only be our friends' newborn baby there but also because I could almost foresee what AJ behavior would be like. So I chose the easy way out. Shame on me. I left him behind and that decision has been tearing me apart. How dare I leave my child behind so that an outing can be more convenient for us and less of a hassle. 

While driving to the big city I justified myself for my decision by saying that visiting these friends was few of the many opportunities we got to spend time alone since we're always pretty much doing things as a family and hardly as a couple. Also with their newborn baby I wanted to be able to really enjoy her and not be running after my 19 months old. Then while there I couldn't think of anything else then of how much I missed my boys. I wanted to blink my eyes and have them be there with us even if Steven would be on the iPad which would of for sure kill the battery and then he would be asking for our phones. And even if Adrian would not want to sit still and would not like me holding the baby. I didn't care about tantrums happening or Steven questioning I just wanted my babies with me.

It's been a little over two weeks now and the guilt has subsided. Thank God. But I learned a lesson, being a mother is way more gratifying then having convenience.  Duh! I'm not the only one, the first, nor last. Kids will be kids and their behavior does not make me a bad mother or less of a mother. Right?

Vent over. Back to making sure AJ is not trying to climb the stairs going after his big brother. 

Monday comes and we're getting some last minute shopping done. You know the norm, school shoes and some pencils and notebooks. Let me just say that we were nuts to wait till the day before school to get this done, yet is in my nature to wait till the last minute. The shoes were not an issue, school supplies however was a different story. Finally we found half the things we were looking for and headed home to get ready for the next day. 

I honestly didn't know who was more nervous, Steven or I. The first day of school was always so exciting for me as a kid yet my son could care less. Is that a boy thing? I remember the days leading up to the start of the new school year and my mom would take us shopping, get us new backpacks, under garments, clothing, shoes, etc. I would organize all my school supplies in my new backpack, take showers the night before, and be in bed super early anticipating what the next day would be like. I remember one specific time when I was going to the seventh grade and I went to bed at 8pm, I happened to wake up at 11pm that night for whatever reason and headed to the kitchen where my mom was at and asked her what was for breakfast. I remember her saying something along the lines "what's the matter with you? Why are you asking for breakfast this late at night?" I thought it was morning already and since she was up and the lights were on I guess I never noticed that darkness outside. That night was the longest night ever. 

My son in the other hand acted like any other day except that he complained about the earlier bedtime. That didn't last long. The next day my alarm went off and I hit the snooze button. A few minutes later Steven walks in and says mom is time for school. I was surprised yet half asleep still and told him to go wash his face and brush his teeth that I'll be right up to help him get dress. I must have dozed off and next thing I know he was back in my room all dressed up and ready to go. Umm ok, I guess I should really get up now I though and did so. I asked him what he wanted for breakfast and he said egg in a whole, his favorite. Easy enough. I fixed him breakfast and fed AJ cereal while I sipped on my coffee. Soon he was done and even before we walked out the door he had already dirty his shirt. This is definitely a boy thing right? lol. I changed he's shirt and we headed out. While we drive away Steven tells me that he doesn't feel good. He says his stomach hurts. I figured he's just nervous. I wait a couple of minutes and ask if he's feeling better. He replies "mom I'm serious my belly hurts, please don't talk to me so I can feel better". Oh dear I am laughing so hard as I write this just thinking about it. 

We arrive at school, park, and walk about a block to get to the entrance. As we get closer and closer my poor kid looks like he's about to pass out. He definitely gets that mom his momma. I don't do so well when walking into a room full of people which I've never met and without being sure if there'll  be anyone there that I'll recognize. 

I took a couple of pictures of my sweet boy and walked him to the door. Unlike last year, the parents weren't able to walk their children to the classroom which kind of sucked. I like to meet the teachers and introduce myself. But whatever no biggie. Steven walked in and I saw him talking to the principal who was the vice principal last year. I'm sure that after seeing a familiar face he started to feel much better. 

The day seemed to have flown by while I was home with AJ. I did some cleaning and lots of thinking about the future and what it had waiting for me, for us. Thinking about how I really cannot be a SAHM full time. Thinking about possibly having another child in the next couple of years. So many things ran through my mind today! 

Soon it was time to pick Steven up from school and what do you know my child did not pass out. He did very well and even confessed that he was really nervous this morning because he thought that third grade was going to be really hard but that the teacher taught them new math problems and he got it right, "because I'm smart mom". He made a few new friends and has a friend from last year and from first grade in his class. He gave me the 411 on his teacher who will be getting married soon, the vice principal getting promoted to principal, third graders having to eat lunch last, and he emphasized how he did not dirty his white shirt. That was an issue last year, kid stained so many shirts it was ridiculous. 

I've never really given the first day of school a full post but today, today was different. Today I saw a different side of my boy. Today I realized how fast both of my kids are growing. Today I confessed to the hubby that I wanted another baby within the next couple of years. Today was the day I made some decisions about the future.