Thursday, September 24, 2015

Christianity vs Earthly Desires: My Confessions

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Four year ago I decided to change my lifestyle. I decided that it was time to grow up and focus on my family and new life as a new wife.

For you to understand me you need to know a little more about me and my dark past. Ok so is not that dark, just a little grey. You see, I've always enjoyed parties and dancing. Dancing is my passion, music is my stress reliever. If I'm home cleaning and I put on music to liven up the mood you bet that I'll end up showing my broom some moves ;) But four years ago I decided to be a follower of Christ and my old ways had to stop. And it has not been an easy journey. I've encounter many trials and tribulations along the way. And this might sound insane but if there was ever a out in my mind about God not being real, well there will never be again. The things I've witnessed and the things I've experienced have been beyond unnatural. There was definitely a higher power involved. Call me crazy but it's the truth. Maybe one day I'll share those experiences. For now though let's stay focus.

Little by little over the years I've pushed away from friends and family that were not on the same path as me. Now wait a minute, before you judge me hear me out. I did not push everyone away indefinitely, I simply stopped doing the things they were doing with them. Things that made me feel guilty like going to a dancing club Saturday night then to church on Sunday morning. The more I became involved in the church the more I pushed away. I didn't judge them, I just did not feel comfortable doing those things anymore. Many of my friends drink and smoke and dress very provocative and I was the outcast. I didn't belong and so I moved on, alone. Thankfully everyone respected my decisions and didn't judge me. We kept in touch and got together from time to time to catch up on life. Four years later and it all remains the same. I'm still moving on, alone, and my friends continue to go out dancing, drinking, casino hopping, etc. And so for many Saturday nights I sat back on my couch and allowed my earthly desires to be fulfill through my friends. It made me envious to see a group of girls go away to the city for a weekend, laughing, happy, having a good time, enjoying their 20s and here I was home alone.

Yes alone, although far from it, is how I felt when everyone was out having "fun". My kids would be watching TV or sleeping next to me, and my husband would either be out himself or sleeping through the boredom. I mean, of course I love being home with my boys but feeling left behind on what the rest of the world is doing is not the greatest feeling. It came to a point where it created problems in my marriage. My husband and I were not (and are still not) on the same spiritual journey. Is a daily struggle. He still goes out some weekends to watch a UFC fight or to hang out with the guys while I stay home alone thinking about what loser I must look like in a reality TV series jajaja. Deep down I felt alone. I had no one that shared my curent interest. It seemed like everyone was on the same page except for me. It sucked and I would take it out on my husband. "He had no business being out there with the rest of them, he was a family man now" I thought. He was putting himself in temptation's way. He was going to end up doing something he'd regret. It was all I could focus on. For years.

Then finally one night it hit me. I wasn't mad at my husband for having a life that seem more exciting than mine, I was mad at myself "for staying behind". I was allowing social media to blind me with what I thought was cool and what I was missing out on. The parties, the dancing, the drinking, the fun times with friends. But deep down I knew something wasn't right. I don't like waking up with a hangover. I don't like dropping off my kids at their grandparents so that I can go out dancing. I don't like wearing provocative clothes to call attention. I don't like feeling disrespected by man. I just wanted to have friends that share my interest, I didn't want to feel alone anymore and no one understood me.

I love being a Christian. I have met amazing people on this journey and it has brought me so much closer to others. I've found peace, and true love, and how beautiful forgiveness and God's grace can be. It has been hard staying focus and feeling alone but I wouldn't trade it.

I'm not perfect and still enjoy my glass of wine or two maybe even a Cosmo. I still listen to Spanish music and dance some bachata here and there.

I'd love to have more people on board with me but right now it seems that I'm still finding myself and I'm ok with that.

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