Tuesday, July 7, 2015

When your faith gets tested part 1


Several days ago I received a devotional from my pastor. She has sent me one daily for the past two years now if not longer. Those devotionals have been blessings in disguise for me because without them I wouldn't have been able to understand and accept certain trials that I've had the opportunity to go through and overcome.

When May came around and I had to submit my nursing application for this coming fall I thought this was it. So many years of part time classes and set backs were all worth it because I was sure that I was going to get into the program. Until June came around and my TOEFL results were in. The TOEFL is a test you are required to take by certain universities if you were not born in the United States. That test is suppose to reveal whether you understand and are capable of studying in the English language. Out of the four pats I scored well in two of them. One I did soso and one I scored low. I couldn't understand what had happened. Why did I score low? I've spoken the language for almost 20 years. Not to mention I've been taking college level classes for the past 6-7 years and I've done well in all of them with the exception of chemistry which I had to repeat multiple times. And that was not due to the language barrier, it was simply a hard class. At least for me. So "what now?" That was the email I sent my academic advisor? What am I to do now? What's next? His answer. "We wait. We wait on the decision of the nursing program coordinator. But in the meantime I suggest you re take the test and see if you score better". I'm not going to score better, I said. I ran out of time. I'm a slow test taker and if I don't know the material I'm going to need time to revise my work something that I cannot do if the test is timed. I had blamed my low score and the amount of time I was given to take that part of the test for the results given. 

I waited. I prayed. I read. 

With the daily devotionals I read and some bible verses I realized that nothing is impossible to my Savior. If it was his will and if I believed it would happened than I would receive it. Catch was that I would receive it on his time not mine. 

Two obstacles came about that could have prevented me from retaking the TOEFL. Money and time. The test is not too expensive per say but sure of an inconvenience and pricey once you have to repeat it and the date available for the retake was 6/27, my weekend rotation. Again I prayed and concluded that if it was meant to be it shall be. I was provided with the money to pay for the test and miraculously I was given off the weekend I had to work just by asking. Not just the day needed but the full weekend. I said, "God is good"  and quickly registered for the test. 

Test day was here. 

I woke up early. Got ready and made coffee. Ate breakfast and everything seemed well. I showed up and felt prepared. During the test fear took over me. Again I ran out of time but I was able to get a lot more done than the first time. I couldn't explain what had happened but I felt Overpowered by fear. I had high hopes that my scores would be a lot better but somehow and for some reason fear told me that maybe I had done just about the same if not worse. I walked out of the test center feel disappointed. I drove what turned out to be five hours to ocean city, MD with my mom not letting the fear reach the surface. I was also able covered it over the next few days. Then we came home and I lost control. 

There's no greater fear than the fear of the unknown. 

I knew exactly what was happening. I was losing faith. I was afraid to ask for help yet somehow found the courage to ask my pastor to add me to her prayers. I was honest and said it out loud. I'm allowing my fears to become more powerful than my faith. How could I stop it? What can I do? 

I started to write this post. Not knowing when I would post it or even if I should. If I post it I would have to talk about the outcome regardless of what it would be. 

To be continued. 

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