I miss...

Being home with my now toddler.

3months into my new job and I still can't get over how much I miss being home with my boys. I can't stop thinking how much I took for granted the year I was given to make the best out of being a SAHM. 

You see. Since I was a little girl I never saw it any other way. I never saw myself being a SAHM. Maybe because no one around me was? My dad passed away when I was young and my mom never married after that so she always worked. There came a point in my life when she was home and was able to have dinner done by the time we were home from school and that too I took for granted. Never did I imagine that many years later I would be so thankful for her being home to greet us when we arrived. Never did I imagine that one day I would find myself working a 8-5 job that would make me realize how much I wish I could be home instead. 

There's always up and down to both scenario. And we all must find what works for ourselves and our families. And the more I think about it the more I wish I was home. 

I feel this empty space. Like I'm missing out on so much with my kids. That I'm not playing enough with them. That I'm not teaching them like I should. 3 months later I have yet to find a system where I get to do all that I want. Is that ever even possible? I doubt it. But I hope that there's one that comes close to it. I guess with it being winter and all it doesn't really help the situation much. It gets darker earlier, it's cold outside, and school is at play which means homework and very early bedtimes. 

I'm looking forward summer so much. Although I'll still have my job the days will seem longer and I'll have more things to do with the boys. Or so I hope. The recent temperature changes and the time change have made a difference already, or so I like to think.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to start with school again next fall working full time if I miss my kids so much just now.  I feel conflicted with the decision to put my education/career on hold to raise my kids or to sacrifice these few years  to fulfill my career goals. Sooner or later I'm going to have to sacrifice times with my kids to complete school, now is just a matter of deciding if to sacrifice it now or later?

When I weight out the pros and cons I think of the fact that at least now I only have two kids. One that is "old enough" to understand why mommy gets some really late sometimes and the other is small enough to probably not even notice the difference. If I was to wait a few more years to finish school I will probably find myself with another child which will most likely be the last child and I will definitely not want to sacrifice my years with him and what will be my last years of caring for a newborn and raising a toddler. Also if I was to wait another 3-4 years to finish school I will have to retake some of my science courses and I definitely do not want to take chemistry or microbiology again.

It seems that I pretty much know what I should do. Yet it's so hard to go ahead with that decision.

I keep thinking that everything happens for a reason. I am in the situation that I am in today because this is where I am meant to be at this point in my life.  I have faith that it will all work out. Yet I can't help but to wonder and worry on how it will all work out, I guess that's the human part of me…