Saturday, August 8, 2015

When your faith gets tested part 2

If you missed the first part of this post click here


I took a moment to pray and ask for forgiveness for my thoughts and feelings. I turned on my radio and praised him. I asked for strength to withstand whatever was heading my way.

I decided to stop writing. 
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Over the weeks that passed I felt like I was being prepared for the worse. All my devotionals and bible verses talked about letting the present be even if it's not what I had hope it'd be. 

7.20.15 

After a semi long day at work I walk out side and see the sun shinning bright. The weather is perfect. 78 degree. It feels like a Sunday. All is calm and quiet. I snap a few pictures and walk to my car. Without even thinking twice I turn on the engine, turn on lily goodman station on pandora, and drive away. As I drive I plug in my phone to the speakers and wonder if today will be the day I hear from the nursing program. Twenty minutes later and I'm home. I text with a friend once I park which makes me laugh out loud. I get out of the car and head toward my house, look inside the mailbox and there's nothing. I go inside kiss the boys and ask the hubby if he grabbed the mail to which he replied by pointing at its current location. I walk towards it not expecting to find what I've been waiting for, yet to my surprise there it is. A plain white thin envelope from Desales University. 

My stomach fills with twitching nerves. I'm freaking out. I'm hopeful it contains the news I've worked hard for but is almost a given what this plain thin envelope hides inside. I grab it and head to my room. I undress and sit at the edge of my bed. I say a prayer, 

"Lord, please forgive me for being doubtful. I know that whatever is in this envelope is exactly what I need to see. If this contains what I hope it does not help me to accept what I cannot change and lead me in the path that you want me on". 

I hesitate. 

I hesitate some more. 

As I gently open the envelope I imagine what the first sentence will begin with. 

"We regret to inform you" or "congratulations" 

To my surprise neither of them. But as I continued to read my eyes meet with the word regret and they fill with tears. I'm heartbroken. I tell myself "I'm ok, I'm ok. I'm ok". But I'm heartbroken. I cry some more. All kinds of emotions run through my body and mind. I don't even know what to do. Should I go get a hug from the hubby? But I don't want his pity. Plus I'll feel like I've disappointed him. I decide to let it out by telling just one person. And so I text her the words 

I didn't get in. 



To be continued...

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