Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Let His Will Be Done

I'm torn. Confused. Undecided. 

I've mentioned before my dilemma about working nights and my school drama. A few weeks ago I just about had it with working nights. I was so frustrated and upset that I went and applied to some other jobs. Day time jobs. Your normal Monday-Friday 8a-4p no weekends no holidays. Sounds good right? 

Except that I'm forgetting one little detail. School. 

How do I suppose to start nursing clinical working FT 8-4? 

Early this month I started to look around at other schools with a nursing program. I decided that maybe I should apply to a certain one. The due date for the application was October 1st. And you are let know whether or not you get accepted within six weeks. This is perfect because I will then know what to do next in either case. You should always have a backup plan right. 

Well things don't always work out as one would hope. At least not in my case. 

At first I was concern. Concerned because this nursing program is a Monday-Friday 8a-3p program. Which is a FT job in itself and requires a lot of studying time. Not to mention that the school is part of a hospital which I so happen to work for its competitor. 

So I asked myself, will I not get accepted to the program because of my employer? Now that that shouldn't be the case but you just never know. 

Also how will my employer feel with my attending school over at their competitor? 

Now wait. It gets better. After I graduate, if I was to get accepted, I will have to work for them for a minimum of two years. So it's a given that I'll be leaving my current employer sooner or later. 

Now remember those jobs I applied to before? Well I got a call for an interview. For the Wednesday before we left. I was so excited! And worried at the same time. Worried because depending which path I take it was going to take me on a totally different road in life. I knew this could have went either way. If I was to get the job offered and get accepted to the nursing school (what are the odds of that happening?) I was going to end up screwing one. Most likely the new job because my nursing career is a priority here people. But it'll kind of suck too because this new job will be perfect! Or will it? 

The more I thought about getting this job the more I worried that I actually liked my night shift job. I love the people. I love the place. I love that I only do 2 days a week. I love that I'm able to be home with AJ and pick up Steven at school. I'm basically a SAHM during the day while still making money the old fashion way. Is the perfect schedule. Only if I was able to stay awake at night. Yes yes. Two years into this job and I still get super sleepy between the hours of 2am-5am. 

The point I'm trying to get across here is if being home for dinners, bedtime, and weekends will satisfy me enough and compensate my not being home during the day like I have been the last 2 years. Will I truly be happy with a Monday-Friday 8-4 job? I've done it before. It was great. I loved being home before rush hour, cook, spend time with my firstborn and hubby, plan the wedding, and have my weekends free. I did work Saturday mornings but I was home by 1:30p. Thinking about it now it wasn't bad. Wasn't bad at all. Yet. How would it be now? Times have changed. My life has changed since then. 

Then the unthinkable happened. I got a call the day before the interview saying that the position had been filled and my interview was cancelled. Well, that's not too bad you may say. And I thought that. I thought. Well that was easy. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that that's not where he wants me. That my night shift job is the place I need to be if I want to work on my career. Ok. I accept that. 

Well then guess what happens next. 

I go on vacation thinking that everything is just fine. I don't need to worry about the job. Only about getting accepted into the nursing program. I send in my references, application, resume, payment, take my test, go in for my interview, etc. the only thing missing are my transcripts. I have faith that they'll get there on time because I told both schools they need to have them at the new school by the 1st. And I gave them plenty of time to send them in. What could possibly go wrong at this point right? Well how about the admission office at the new school not getting my transcript and me finding out September 30th. The day before the due date.

Just my luck and there's nothing I can do now. Not from Puerto Rico.

I tried contacting the school via phone and no luck. Just my luck.

As a believer I have to wonder. Wonder what the lesson behind this is? Wonder if maybe nursing school is not part of my future. Yes it has been a long journey and is some I desperately want. But maybe it has been a journey I wasn't meant to be on. As a believer I have to believe that there's a reason for this to be happening this way. I have to accept that His Will will be done. Not mine. 

I had a plan for both scenarios. Now, now I got nothing. I'm stuck at the end of a road with the choice to go left or right not knowing where either road will take me. It is the most awful feeling on earth. Not knowing what to expect. Not knowing what to do next. Not having a plan is not how I envisioned living my life. I truly want to finish with this school stuff and have a career that will allow me to contribute to my family and makes me happy. Do I keep fighting for what I believe is I want? Do I change career?

What do I do in this situation? 

I can only think of one thing I can do and that is pray. Pray frequently because at the end of the day his will is what will be done regardless of my thoughts, feelings, or wants. 

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*These were my thoughts right in the middle of my vacation. 

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