Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Testing My Faith

Untitled Recent events happening in my life at this point in time have me devastated. It has been so hard maintaining faith and knowing that everything happens for a reason.

For weeks I've debated on talking about this and other things in public. I say public because it's obvious that anyone can have access to this blog and can get a glimpse of what's happening in my life whether I want that particular person to know or not. As much as I love writing and keeping a blog with personal details it sometimes scares me to realize that I'm putting my life out there. Basically for the world to judge. But is it right to live in fear and not do what makes you happy? No. It's not right. Yet sometimes in life right is not always the best way to live. 

Many times before I've spoken about my schooling. My dream at obtaining a BSN in nursing and possibly even a Masters to become a NP. The problem with my goals is that I'm not a young single girl that lives home with her mom anymore or rooms in with a friend. I'm a grown married woman with kids, a husband, and bills now and that makes my dream so much more difficult to make a reality. It is certainly not impossible and I know with hard work and dedication I will succeed. But I need to think of my family and put them first. I need to do what is right for all of us. I realize that school will always be there. There are plenty of people that go back to school later in life and are totally fine with it. Problem with that is that I'm not in that "plenty of people" percentage. I want my career now! And every year it takes to get here it gets harder and harder. Closer. But harder. 

So that you understand better and so that I make sense of what I am trying to say now let me explain a bit better. 

In my college career I can proudly said I've been a pretty good student with As and Bs grades. Until 2011 that is. The past 2 years haven't been the greatest. I've passed my classes but not with the grades I had hope I did. Especially that chemistry. Oh chemistry if you only knew how much I really dislike you. I took this class 3x (lets not get further into it shall we). The last time I was thisclose on passing it with a high B, instead I ended up with a high C which was still passing but unfortunately for me it wasn't the grade my beloved DSU was looking for. So why would this have me devastated? Because I was thisclose on starting the nursing program this fall until reality hit and all my dreams and hopes were crushed in the blink of an eye 😢. Remember when I mentioned that I was a big procrastinator? Well that had some play in this too. But it was mostly that chemistry!
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I know myself. I procrastinate but I know my capabilities. I know how far I can push myself and unfortunately I have pushed too far. 4 classes over the summer, a 7y/o and a 6mos old, a husband and a home to care for and then keeping myself sane was just a bit too much and I was hit with reality. Something had to give. I can't just get rid of my family and is not like I can avoid paying bills. So what do I do? I take a break from school. I have too. There's no other choice. It will only get harder and mentally I'm not prepared for it. I need to set a strong foundation at home and be happy and at peace with myself. 



How is my faith being tested? 

Well for a couple of years now I've been trying to live a more Christian life. Going to church more regularly, reading the bible, praying often, letting go of things in my life that wasn't worth having and doing and so on but everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong. Which keeps me wondering, what on earth is going on? Why is God doing this to me? I'm just trying to please him. I know that at times we may ignore his callings because we think we have it all figured out and he has to bring us to the very bottom so that we realize that we need him. However, everything I've been through this past couple of years is not Gods work. It can't be. My faith has got to be being tested. Don't you think? How far do I really trust him to let go and trust that he'll do what's right for me? 

I'm trying to stay positive. To see the good behind all of this. Not to lose focus in what's really important. My situation could be worse. 

As I have mention before I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason and there's a purpose for everything. And I believe that I'm been taught a lesson here. I'm still trying to figure out what that lesson is but for right now what I do know is that I need to do some soul searching. I need to focus on me. On my marriage. On my family. I need a stronger foundation because I will be needing that for what lies ahead. And that had brought me to the decision of taking a break from school. It could be a semester or two. I'm not sure how long but I do believe that I'll know when the time is right to go back. School will always be there but my kids will only be kids once and my husband and I will only be newlyweds for so long. 

I know that this phase of my life is meant to make me a stronger person, a better person. I see this as a completely new adventure. I'm kind of excited about it. I can already feel the air in my surroundings spreading further out and my eyes are seeing wonderful things about life that I wasn't able to see before because I was locked up in my own emotions, in my own "so called life". I need to experience the beauty of nature. I need to see what else is there to life. I need to do less thinking and less planning and more doing. I need to do things where I cannot procrastinate on. I need a vacation from my uptight and timid self and boy am I going to enjoy it to the fullest. Most importantly I need a new perspective on life and maintain my faith.


2 comments:

  1. Hi Pamela, my name is Jocelyn or should I say Pamela number two, our stories are so the same. I can't tell you how much I'm glad that I've found this post and your beautiful blog. Please don't be weary of letting the world know about this because it truly blessed me and allowed me to see that I'm not the only one who wants to pursue their nursif career as bad as I do. I on the other hand am a phlebotomist, married wirh a two year old girl and a 6 week old son. I'm 29 years old and have been stuggling with this obstacle for at least 8 years now. I feel like I've wasted so much time being 30 next year and I could've been done already. I always took the easy way out with getting a liberal arts degree and getting another 50 credits toward a BA in business knowing this was not my calling. Now with so much responsibilities I'm taking one class at a time and want to finish ASAP because I would live to finish before my kids get bigger and they start to have homeworkd, plays, games, etc. I said ALL of this to say that I'm a firm believer that The Lord always knows what's beat and he will lead and guide us accordingly. My biggest issue is not being able to stay at home and solely attend school but my biggest blessing is having a job as a plebotomist and gaining experience everyday. Please don't let tooooo much time go by. It's so funny how our stories are different as far as our ages, my husband and I both HAVE to work and I live in NC but we both want re same thing. I would love to keep in touch with you. I will follow your blog for sure. Mine is not nearly as awesome as yours but please check it. My2littlepeters.blogspot.com

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    1. Jocelyn, thank you so much for your sweet and thoughtful comment. I will be sure to check out your blog too.

      Yes. Schooling while trying to maintain together a family is hard. We gave to maintain faith and believe that we will get to the end but it will be on his time, not ours. For now we must focus in the present ;)

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